My parents immigrated to New Zealand from Holland. I was born in New Zealand and I have a deep heartfelt warmth for my home country but I have grown up feeling like I don't truly belong anywhere. My last name is a strange dutch name (Vlugter) that came with various and sometimes embarrassing mispronunciations from teachers and a lot of jests from peers.

My parents separated after a tumultuous relationship when I was in primary school and my dad returned to Holland when I was 14 years old. That was a huge turning point into my journey of rage and seeking love. I sought out the kids that wanted to stick up two fingers to the world and who knew more pain than me, so I could both connect and get lost in the wilderness of rebellion.

This is what led me to hear from a lot of the people that I would make a good social worker. They had social workers and they thought I'd make a great one. I think this is because I would sit and listen without judgement. I was able to hold whatever they wanted to unburden. I was also seen as "the nerd" of the group, the one who still studied and was looking at going to university (due mostly to my mum's influence and mentorship). Although I was loved and accepted by my friends, I didn't really belong here either.

So despite my path of oblivious rebellion and resulting gaps in my education, I got through my high school certification and started to look towards university options. My mum encouraged me to study Maori. She understood the history of their colonisation and the over representation of Maori people in the system because of the system. I fell in love with the language and culture. I managed to get great grades that supported me with University entrance. My Bachelor of Arts was in Maori and I graduated speaking the language fluently. However, as a White kiwi I came to understand that it was not my place or time to step into the political arena of change makers for Maori in New Zealand. I did not belong there.

So I pursued a post-graduate degree in Social Work. My teachers were amazing! They had lived experience and brought courage to the study of self in the profession. They had us explore our culture, beliefs and experiences that influence our desire to be social workers and what we would bring into the profession and practice as people. This set me on a path toward youth justice and family work.

In the background I married and divorced (that's another story!) and I ended up working in a small city at the bottom of New Zealand and while I loved the work and the people I worked with, I was approaching 30 and was single and had a yearning for Europe. So I decided to pack up my bags and move to London to work in youth justice and attempt to rekindle a relationship with my dad and wider family in Holland.

Despite finding my 'calling' in youth justice social work. I still didn't really belong because my kiwi accent would immediately have someone ask (even in a supermarket shopping line) - "oh is that a Kiwi or Aussie accent I hear?" and "oh are you from the North or the South Island" and inevitably the question - "when will you go back?".

This just reinforced that I do not belong anywhere

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